Experience · Health · Mental Health

Finally Diagnosed with Anixiety and Depression

So, for almost 5 years I have struggled. I never went to the doctors, too afraid. I got anxiety every time I thought about going. It has effected my life so much. Having both makes it feel like you’re being ripped in half. One half doesn’t want to get out of bed for university, it doesn’t care if I fail. The other half, my heart races, my head screaming I need to get up and that I can’t be a failure. One half wins eventually but the consequeces usally mean I don’t show up or I’m always late.

So one day, I turn up to class. Read the screen, “DEBATE”. My heart drops. We are set into two groups, and for once I have ideas on what to say. Our group is comprised of only the shy people making this so much worse. Yet for once I was filled with confidence. I knew what I was arguing for!

I speak first. It starts well until my throat begins to close, my hands begin to shake, then so does my entire body! Thats the day I finally made an appointment. The fear of it happening again overwhelmed my fear of the doctor.

I was diagnosed. They reccomended therapy, but being shy and too busy I said I couldn’t. I was given anti-depressents that same appointment.

While I feel like they’re doing a little, I know I’m far from getting something that really will help me. But making the appointment and being diagonosed is the first step!

I know it seems scary, but you need to do it! It’s not going to get better on its own. You can do it! Don’t let it rule your life. I believe in you!

– Hidden Shadows

Advertisements
Experience · Pets

The love we have for our pets

Since 2010 I have had 6 cats.

Stripes,

Oscar,

Patch,

Binx,

Oreo, and

Luna

We got stripes and Oscar together. They’re siblings. Stripes had kittens, patch and binx, aswell as Mini who my sister took. 

Binx was sadly killed by a car. So when Mini had kittens we gladly took one (Oreo).

Then all of a sudden, Stripes died. No cause. Lying in her bed. She was only 7 years old. Heart breaking but I’m glad she was at home. So then we got Luna.

Oscar is my cat. Luna is my little sisters and the rest are both of ours. Oscar is my baby. I don’t care what people say. When I go to my room, when I am at my lowest points crying myself to sleep, he is always there.

Now, it’s been over 24 hours since I last saw him. He’s never done this before. I fear the worst and it breaks my heart. I lie in my bed with tears streaming silently down my face hoping to hear his cry outside. 

Nothing.

I’ve never loved a pet more than Oscar. He is my own. My little baby. So when Binx and Stripes died, I cried for days but this feels so much worse.

I can’t describe how much it pains me. It’s even worse not knowing. Not knowing where he is, if he’s alive…nothing.

I don’t know why I decided to write this, but I just wanted to write down and I thought…why not here.

I broke down infront of family today, it’s setting in that I may never see him again. Never know what happened to him…

I used to see people post their “Missing pet” posters. I didn’t think much about them. Now, I feel what they felt. The pain in your chest that doesn’t go away no matter how much you cry.

He’s a cat, but he’s family. His loss is like losing part of myself. He had my pwrsonality, slept in the blanket against me. Ran to me, met me in the street on my way home and…he annoyed the crap out of me with his cries to get out the house.

What I would do to hear him cry now. 

A lot of people don’t understand the love we have for our pets. They ARE family and their loss is felt…

Hopefully I hear some good news soon, I’m hoping he just ran off for a break as the new kitten follows him around the house all day. All I can do is hope for the best…

Thanks if you stuck around to read this meaningless post 🙂

-Hidden Shadows

Education · Experience · Lifestyle

What to expect at University

This is just a little blog on what to expect when you start university, I hope this helps some people as I was freaking out this time last year. (UK though I’m sure it’s the same experience around the world).

First week…expect to get lost because everyone does. The first week is a separate timetable, it’s all about introducing you into the university. Setting up your IT accounts, getting contact information for teachers, tours and picking up your ID.

If you manage to make a friend or more, that’s great. Honestly, you literally just have to be like, “okay if I hang with you?” It honestly works. If you’re a loner, don’t worry about that either, there are loads. Being a loner will probably be useful, you’ll be able to concentrate more.

Seminars and lectures

Seminars are compulsory! They take a register. You’re in a class of about 20-30 people. It’s kind of just like being in class at school. At my university we got told if we missed 1 seminar, we would get an email. If we missed 2, we would get a warning and if we missed 3 we would have a meeting and may be kicked off the course. It’s usually just to scare you. I missed A LOT and never got anything more than an email. You’ll do exam preparation in these lessons, course work assessment help and random other tasks to get you used to any programmes you may be using such as SPSS for psychology students. 

Lectures

These are not compulsory. They say they may do random register checks, but they never do. They are huge rooms, just like you see on TV shows. Theatre like chairs with a table to write on. As you progress along the year you’ll notice the numbers of people turning up getting fewer and fewer. I skipped the majority of them, the ones I did go to I rarely took notes.

GO TO ALL YOUR LESSONS AND MAKE NOTES

Boy do I regret not doing this. For the assignments they set E.G 2500 word essay on the nature vs nurture argument for people who commit crime. It’s easier to do these, you have books and Google (saviour!) and about a month to do it. Of course I left it till last minute every time.

With exams, they’re not so easy to get through. I turned up to one and thought “What-the-fuck?” It was multiple choice so I thought, easy yeah. I was so wrong. I think the only question I got right was that babies start to smile at 3-6 months haha.

Overall I got for each of my subjects:

First (the best, only just!)

2.1 

2.2

2.2

2.2

Hey at least I didn’t get a third. But, if you get thirds throughout your first year don’t worry. The first year is basically just getting you used to everything. The grades you get will get you into the next to years, fail and you will have the chance to resit. However, if you only just manage to scrape through the year don’t worry. It won’t effect your final grade for your degree. The 1st year is basically meaningless when it comes to your degree. But it may be different for your course so don’t slack!

They usually have gyms, discount prices for students. Mine costs £100 for a full year…totally got my money’s worth 😆. Good to destress though.

The libraries usually have sections, quiet areas, group areas and books on every single topic. It’s a nice place to relax and normally have a cafe inside eith pretty decent food and drink. My university sells Costa Coffee 😏 at a good discount. 

Parking costs, if you’re driving plan what you’re doing. There’s usually university badges or passes you can buy for a term or year of parking on site. Other than thst you’re going to have to find somewhere which is probably just going to cost more and be a lot more difficult so you may as well just get university parking 🙂

It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. You learn your way around eventually. Making friends isn’t that important but it is a perk. Just pay attention, if you need help ask for it. Don’t stress, it doesnt help. Have a nice cup of tea and a good breakfast. Relax! Enjoy it!

-Hidden Shadows